Growing Up EmatiomOy 177
mile away, and you can also hear him booing the other team* He
calls them dopes and drips, and worse names than that Once at a
softball game he got into an argument with an umpire and was
ruled off the field. Another time he had a fist fight I don't go to
games with Joe any more.
I do go to parties with him. We visit his parents every week.
When they happen to be alone I get on fine. But my father-in-law
knows half the celebrities in Hollywood. At first I was thrilled to
be in the same room with a famous movie star or a famous director,
although I wanted to keep my distance. Joe pushes rne at the ce-
lebrity, the celebrity looks bored, I congeal, and Joe immediately
begins to show off. He either talks about himself or rings in a
play-by-play description of Batch's latest football exploit In the
three years of our marriage, Joe has never failed to introduce me
as Butch Brown's little sister. I love my brother. But once in a
while I'd like to be considered a person in my own right
A great deal of our social activity is necessary. Part of Joe's job,
the major part he says, is to entertain his customers in style. Since
he's on an expense account, we frequently go to very glamorous
pkces. IVe reached the point where I dislike glamour almost as
much as I dislike sports.
When we enter a restaurant or a nightclub, and everybody stares
at us, an iron band seems to clamp around my throat, and my
stomach ties in knots. I feel like a—a nothing. I feel as cold and
lonesome as I felt when my mother died. My mother has been dead
eight years now, but I still miss her. I often have dreams about her.
Just the other night I dreamed I saw my mother riding away from
me in an old-fashioned coach, and through the glass windows of
the coach I could see my mother was crying. When I woke up, I
was crying myself. I try to talk to Joe about my feelings, but he
just looks blank.
I shouldn't have married a man like Joe. Probably I shouldn't
be married to anybody. I know I'm too self-conscious and nervous
for my own good. I have always longed for a home and children,
but I intended to stay single until I was thirty. Even in college, I